Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: Make me wanna die- The pretty reckless
Topic: ~Life~
I want to be an awesome persuader, influencer, motivator, leader and role model. I want my personality to ooz comfidence, happiness, excitment, adventure, compassion, love, loyalty, truth, determination, passion, power, kindess..etc...I might just write more on this! Later...? hmmm... :) ;) =}

All I know
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Broken by Lifehouse & Cover my eyes by La Roux
Topic: ~Life~
I just want you here. I feel and believe that I need you. But you are gone. I cannot let go of  every thought and word that I had once believed. They are lost, yet they seem so near. I am waiting for something I cannot name. I tried to stay protected. I did not succeed. I ended up broken and damaged. I grieve for relief, but I have just found more pain. More situations and memories to analyze to gain a better idea of what happened. What I did not understand, what have I lost? Will you ever know the depth of how I feel? I have tried my best to tell you, yet you stay untouched; even more far away. My heart longs for the essence of your soul. Which was so beautiful, rare and profound. I know there is a part of you that wants me to stay. You may deny it, but it's there. I guess you want to hide it. There are parts of you that are unknown. I want to discover their meaning, the reason for them. I want to know you better than anyone else. I want to feel your sadness and know your doubts. I want to know what inspires you so much. You may believe that  your pain is hidden, but it's not. I see through it all. All the acts, all the charm, all this anger-I see the the overflowing pain. What made you this way? Who did this to you? Why are you still hurting? I am the one person who will always care, always listen  and always want to know why.  I keep trying to grab that which I cannot claim.

College and other stuff
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: I Never Told You - Colbie Caillat
Topic: ~Life~

I miss Dave so much. =/ I am completely over Monte! I don't know if he was a player or not. I am over him, though. I have been for a while.

I wish Dave didn't live in Albany. It's so far away! He totally made a hugh impact on my life. I have never met a guy who had so much in common with me, who made me feel so comfortable and I also made me feel like there was a "real" connection between us. < I know that last part sounds dorky, but hey I couldn't think of anything better being rushed! LOL When Dave first came to my old school as a student aid teacher I thought he was cool.

I told my mom about him, the first day of school that he was there. You know what my mom said to me about him? She said, "Don't fall in love with him!" I thought that what she said was hilarious! I even told a few of my friends about what she said!

But now that I think about it, she was right. I don't think I fell in love with him. I certainly was close! If I was given more time, I am sure that I would of.  I wish I didn't have to get a new job! I mean, I'm happy he got the job he wanted, but now I don't know know if I'll ever see him again. 

Why did he come into my life? Just to leave so suddenly? God: I don't understand?! Please explian! Or at leats let me know at least in a couple years!

 On to new subject! My description of college: College is fun, exhausting,  time-absorbing, hard, motivating and interesting. That basically sums it up. I keep on getting new assignments and I have to keep studying.  It sucks sometimes. Especially, when I am exhausted. I know I am there for a purpose...so I have motivation to keep going!I have to satrt studying for midterms. I got one midterm study guide!For that class the midterm should be easy, because of the guide! But now for the other classes...I don't even know if their givingout study guides for my other classes. I sure hope so.

Cole...why can't get over this guy? I thought I was! Then I saw him the other day... and BOOOM I was wrong! It seems like I get over him a little, then something happens and I am worse then I was before.

What to do? I really haven't a clue. I don't think he likes me still. I thought before that he did. But he doesn't. I'm pretty sure.

How? My teacher was talking about some automatic brain awareness about ammediatley knowing if someone you don't like is there or if you like someone. It's true. I saw him right away the other day. We were in the same store for what seemed like eternity.

I went into there to get candy for the movie I was going to watch, and then a bunch of boys and girls came into the store...he was one of them. He was in the for probably a minute or more, but it felt like eternity. I got so nervous. I started shaking and sweating. I noticed him right away. I don't think he even knew I was there. That is until I pushed him playfully and said hey! He said, "Hey how are you?" I said, "Great and you?" I believe he said, "Great" also.

So, yeah. I really don't know what to do to get over that boy. I've liked him for over a year. I should be able to get over him. I should, But that's not happening right now. I feel like if anything's happening there, it's getting worse.  Why can't I get over this toxic boy? What is it about him that still has me captured? I don't have a "thing" for bad boys!

Signing off for today. Hopefully, I will start righting more. Maybe I write once or more a week!