Mood:  accident prone

Why am I having some major issues? One moment I as happy as can be and the next I am feeling lower than insects. :( I feel worse each time I feel bad. I feel crying, but I can't cry or I can't get all the emotions out. I keep feeling stressed out. I went to a second hand store to get some bargains or a bargain on a pair of jeans. I tried countless pairs on. Most didn't fit and I am not fat or even chubby...Yet it made me feel like a size 20. I'm like a size 7 to 9.

I found one pair I decided to get. They are so cute! :) I also got my refund check back today, so that made me feel incredibly better and happier. But I still feel like crap. It seems like the days I do best is when I am near a friend or a by I used to like talks to me. Then I start liking them again! Ugh What's wrong with me? Why Can't I just leave the stupid memories in the past? I keep comparing them with today's experiences and keep wishing I could go back. I want to relive my past. I can't though. It sucks. 

I don't know wht, but college is seriously a big issue for me. I keep having to catch up on something or redo something or do more homework or studying... It never ends! It's exhausting. It seems like it's sucking all the time, energy, life and happiness out of me. :( 

I want summer! I want it so bad! I feel like I need it. Like a mentally sick person needs medication. :( Summer is the pill to my sickness. Or the answer to my problems..LOL 

These journal entries/diaries are like therapy. :) They make me feel so much better. It's almost like an addiction...but not. It's good for me! :)

Boys are so frustrating right now. Usually their actions are easy to understand. Not lately.  Or maybe the stress is frying some of those brains cells that convert "boy sense" to "girl sense." LoL That's probably it.

Need to do homework. Don't want to do homework. Ging to do it anyway. I have  to go do homework before it gets too late. (My conscious is applauding my wise decision loudly!) :)

Toodles!

Mood:  rushed

After so much time and thought I know it's true. I love him. I have never loved a guy. The only time I have loved guys is in the friendship way. Not him. He's different. So different.

One of the countless reasons why I love him. And even though, I like him an extreme amount and love him; I am not heartbroken over him. He never did anything cruel or said anything cruel.

He has a girlfriend and lives with her...so he's serious about her, but I don't think he's so serious that he wants to marry her. I asked if he wanted to, but from the way he answered I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to. That could change.

I hope he's happy with her and if he's  not I hope he doesn't feel obligated to stay. I hope if doesn't want to be with her he will have the guts to tell her. I hope he doesn't give her the stupid response, " I just don't think we have that spark anymore."  Or any of the other stupid responses males and females give to each other. 

 I wonder if are paths will cross once again? I hope so with every will of my soul. 

I can't even recall his face anymore. He is beginning to feel like a a distant dream or somebody's else's memory I somehow get to peek into. It's changing me. Ican't decide if that's good or bad. I don't know if I like it.

To me he seems like everything I want. All the main qualities I am looking for.  But he's gone. He still lives in the same town. I believe; but neither him or I go to the school in Sheridan. 

It seems like to me this can't be the end of our story. Can it be? Would I know? It seems like I should? 

Most my memories of him are good, none are bad. Some are better than others. I keep putting the them on repeat in my mind. I can't get him out of my head.

I wish I could rewind time and ask all the questions I didn't get to ask and say most of things I wanted to say.  I wouldn't say all them,even though I wanted to. I was taught and still strongly believe that the man chases after the girl/woman. It's how it should be. The people of Jane Austin days had it right!

These entries are like diary entires...no they are diary entires! LOL All the words I don't tell most people...sometimes not even a select few. 

 God has plans for me... I know, but sometimes it seems like he could use some help! I know he doesn't. And if I did help him I am sure I would screw it up! LOL But  seriously, I am tired of waiting to know WHY!!! WHEN will I know?

If I were to rewrite "our story" I would take him and I and put us together permanently. Whether we just stayed friends or became something more.  I can live with either, but I can't stand having him NOT in my life! 'm pretty sure I could live with being friends...I mean at first I thought he was cute, but I didn't like him. The  "like" and then " love" came later after I gotto know him. He would tell me about his dreams and I would tell him mine. We would console each other when we were well or upset...etc. I just want him in my life. =/ =( 

Is love always so confusing and complicated at a time?

Signing off as 

I know I love him and it makes me sad and happy at the same time.

My role model isn't a family member or a friend I have known for a long time. Nor a female. He is six foot three and twenty-two years of age, guy . I adore him. He's pretty much amazing!

At first I wasn't sure what to think about him. I met him at my high school. He wasn't a student, but I was.  Student aid teacher was his title at my school.  He was at one time my student aid teacher, but he had to leave for another job. 

After a while I got to know him better. I realized that he was an awesome guy. I also learned that we had a lot in common. When I learned that we had a lot in common it just fueled my interest even more in our friendship.

Dave, the guy I am talking about inspires me to embrace the change I want to see in myself. He is quite a young, man. "Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I wish I could be."That quote from the song "The wind Beneath my wings," explains exactly how I think of him.  I am constantly in awe of him.

 Now I will decipher the reasons why he's my role model. He is my role model because he has this calm, strength that overflows from him. He is genuinely good person, now that's rare. He is intelligent. Many guys I know don't really care about doing well or academics. In part of his school years he was a nerd and later in life he made it into OSU. 

He take on tasks and completes them successfully. He gives great advice. One time I was having a hard time on one of my tests that I was taking.  I had to break for lunch and I went over to the other classroom was. That classroom he and a few of my other friends were in. He asked how I was doing on the tests, I said, " Great on two of them and the other is hard because it's confusing." He said, " Just take it slow and don't overthink the questions. They are usually a lot more simple than they seem." I really appreciated his interest and advice in the matter of my test. His advice helped a lot. I am very thankful to him.

 I love talking to him. He is really fun to talk to. He has been through some interesting experineces. I love hearing his stories. I could listen to him talk for hours. 

 He's not self-absorbed. That's a big quality I admire about him.  Many people I know are. If I ask them or someone asks them a question about themselves they'll answer it. You could talk to them countless times, but they will only talk about themselves. They won't ask you any questions.  It gets annoying very fast when people are like that.

He does not lack in maturity. Guys around my age usually do. They joke about disgusting things all the time. Or joke about things they shouldn't. Sometimes they will joke about a girl in a sexual way, making the girl feel uncomfortable. I hate it when guys do that. It's not funny, period. 

I wish I was more like him. He is caring, fun, interesting, nice and has many more other great qualities. He is pursuing his passion in Brewing Beer and in teaching. His dream is to someday have a Brewing school where he teaches how to Brew. I don't think he knows how highly I think of him. I wonder what he would say if I told him all of this? 

Mood:  a-ok

I miss Dave so much. =/ I am completely over Monte! I don't know if he was a player or not. I am over him, though. I have been for a while.

I wish Dave didn't live in Albany. It's so far away! He totally made a hugh impact on my life. I have never met a guy who had so much in common with me, who made me feel so comfortable and I also made me feel like there was a "real" connection between us. < I know that last part sounds dorky, but hey I couldn't think of anything better being rushed! LOL When Dave first came to my old school as a student aid teacher I thought he was cool.

I told my mom about him, the first day of school that he was there. You know what my mom said to me about him? She said, "Don't fall in love with him!" I thought that what she said was hilarious! I even told a few of my friends about what she said!

But now that I think about it, she was right. I don't think I fell in love with him. I certainly was close! If I was given more time, I am sure that I would of.  I wish I didn't have to get a new job! I mean, I'm happy he got the job he wanted, but now I don't know know if I'll ever see him again. 

Why did he come into my life? Just to leave so suddenly? God: I don't understand?! Please explian! Or at leats let me know at least in a couple years!

 On to new subject! My description of college: College is fun, exhausting,  time-absorbing, hard, motivating and interesting. That basically sums it up. I keep on getting new assignments and I have to keep studying.  It sucks sometimes. Especially, when I am exhausted. I know I am there for a purpose...so I have motivation to keep going!I have to satrt studying for midterms. I got one midterm study guide!For that class the midterm should be easy, because of the guide! But now for the other classes...I don't even know if their givingout study guides for my other classes. I sure hope so.

Cole...why can't get over this guy? I thought I was! Then I saw him the other day... and BOOOM I was wrong! It seems like I get over him a little, then something happens and I am worse then I was before.

What to do? I really haven't a clue. I don't think he likes me still. I thought before that he did. But he doesn't. I'm pretty sure.

How? My teacher was talking about some automatic brain awareness about ammediatley knowing if someone you don't like is there or if you like someone. It's true. I saw him right away the other day. We were in the same store for what seemed like eternity.

I went into there to get candy for the movie I was going to watch, and then a bunch of boys and girls came into the store...he was one of them. He was in the for probably a minute or more, but it felt like eternity. I got so nervous. I started shaking and sweating. I noticed him right away. I don't think he even knew I was there. That is until I pushed him playfully and said hey! He said, "Hey how are you?" I said, "Great and you?" I believe he said, "Great" also.

So, yeah. I really don't know what to do to get over that boy. I've liked him for over a year. I should be able to get over him. I should, But that's not happening right now. I feel like if anything's happening there, it's getting worse.  Why can't I get over this toxic boy? What is it about him that still has me captured? I don't have a "thing" for bad boys!

Signing off for today. Hopefully, I will start righting more. Maybe I write once or more a week!