The passion I have for him
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: Kris Allen- No boundaries
Topic: Davis Pierce

This is what I am thinking. What I am feeling. I do not want to hide it, but I know I need to for a while. If I do not it could mean the end! what if I need to show you this? What to do? I have no idea.

I keep trying to get on with this phase of my life
It’s becoming so dragged out
How do I stop this from happening?

I need more of a reason, some kind of goal and may be even motivation on your side
I want to know what you feel, what you felt
Why? How? What happened? And what about now?


It’s getting harder to crawl

This mountain isn’t getting smaller

 

I am tired of waiting
Are you in or are you out?
And what do I want?
Am I willing to go through with you if it means immense pain?
I think I am. I believe I am.
If having you in my life means much more pain; I believe I am okay with that.
I could be wrong, but I will figure it out.
I want to be the one who stays no matter what.
The person who does not give up on you.
I want to always be the girl, the person who will listen and will do my best to be there.
I want to be the diamond. The stone who will not disappear or fade on you.
I want to prove that I am willing to give so much more; that I am not like everyone else.
I will not give up when it gets hard. I will do my best to not let you down.
I am willing to show you an unconditional love.
Dying, to have you in my life, to somehow be your friend.
If I am not willing to give it my all, how will you or I know what is capable to have; to hold?
I am willing to do my best. Yes, I will give it more than a try. I will give it my all.
I am going to show you something you have never seen.
What if today is the best it gets?
What if it becomes so much worse?
What if this is the end?
 

 

Yes!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Davis Pierce
He asked me to go camping with his family next weekend! I am so excited! :) I want to go so bad! But there are some variables I should consider like; Rather than his aunt, am I the only girl? And what about the weather? What about tents? Where is it? What days? Does it cost? Why is he inviting me? Is there some other girl that he invited that he "likes" that is coming? And I am sure there are more questions I can ask! I would be totally okay, if his sister came, but not if some girl he likes comes...or maybe even if one of his friends' that is a girl comes... I just might get extremely jealous! LOL I seriously would! Hah That would be no fun being jealous! Okay, just for anybody's information I am not asking him, "if some girl he likes is coming," that would be stupid. That would be so stupid! I have wanted to hang out with for over a year! Now, finally! Hopefully my mom will let me go. I told my dad. He does not want me to go, but he did not say I could not. I am afraid my mom will say, "that is not a good idea, NO!" And say, " Just because you are 18 does not mean you can do things like that, you still live under my roof!" I would understand her concern, but seriously, I am not going to drink or get high or smoke or sleep with the boy! I am a good girl most of the time. hahaha Most of the time; not all of the time. I am afraid to go. I am afraid he will think I am boring, I am not, but I have no idea what he likes doing or that he will expect me to sleep with him. Or what if he is not camping with family, but a bunch of friends?! Ah...I do not want to do that! Ahhh... But those are all just possibilities... right? Right! Just because they are possible does not mean that they will happen. I need to stop freaking myself out! LOL ;) So maybe I will write more tomorrow! Probably. I am sorry blog I have abandoned you for so long. I am sad to tell the truth but, "there were more important things to do that were desperatley urgent!"

All I know
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Broken by Lifehouse & Cover my eyes by La Roux
Topic: ~Life~
I just want you here. I feel and believe that I need you. But you are gone. I cannot let go of  every thought and word that I had once believed. They are lost, yet they seem so near. I am waiting for something I cannot name. I tried to stay protected. I did not succeed. I ended up broken and damaged. I grieve for relief, but I have just found more pain. More situations and memories to analyze to gain a better idea of what happened. What I did not understand, what have I lost? Will you ever know the depth of how I feel? I have tried my best to tell you, yet you stay untouched; even more far away. My heart longs for the essence of your soul. Which was so beautiful, rare and profound. I know there is a part of you that wants me to stay. You may deny it, but it's there. I guess you want to hide it. There are parts of you that are unknown. I want to discover their meaning, the reason for them. I want to know you better than anyone else. I want to feel your sadness and know your doubts. I want to know what inspires you so much. You may believe that  your pain is hidden, but it's not. I see through it all. All the acts, all the charm, all this anger-I see the the overflowing pain. What made you this way? Who did this to you? Why are you still hurting? I am the one person who will always care, always listen  and always want to know why.  I keep trying to grab that which I cannot claim.

Pain
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Already gone by Kelly Clarkson
Topic: Pain

Pain. That word brings up so many memories. What comes to your mind? Mine goes to several different things. I usually think of my own pain or my family's.

I think about how must of my life I felt horrible. I wonder what caused me to be this way? What factors push someone to be depressed? How could I have been so consumed by all the negative aspects of life?

There is so much good in the world. Yes and there is also a lot of bad. But stating that fact is not going to change anything. Now, if I keep doing my best to be a good person and make a difference then maybe I can make a difference. I believe I can.

I want to be the refuge others seek for inspiration. There are so many things I want to do.  I sort of wish I could live a lot longer or have more lives than this one. I do not want to seek only self-satisfaction and self-gain. That would make my life pointless. 

 I want to be valued. I do want anymore rejection. I have not even had much rejection, but only a small taste. I know I hate it, I hate rejection.  Yes, I am sure I can learn from it and grow, but honestly does anybody want to go though it  just to learn? 

Rejection is a word that brings to my mind haunting feelings and memories. It is hard to take (rejection).  For me, I have not faced much rejection, so I am new to it in many ways. It is hard to deal with. I am swallowed up by the effect of it. I can change it, but right now I am trying docope withall of it.

To cry in front of people I do not know is something I do my best not to do. I will look up at the ceiling and do my best not to. I will force myself to hold it in. I am usually pretty good at clasping it and then hiding it. I am great at acting that I am okay when I am not. I am a very happy person, but thta does not mean I do not have my own sorrows.

 Tyler he is one of my good friends. He is so cool. Truly an original, individual. He may not seem like he is; nevertheless he is. If you got to know him I am sure you would agree. I admire him so much.  

My friend Tyler and many of my other friends have gone through some form of rejection. I hate seeing them in pain. I wish I had the power to stop it. Why do we all have to go through pain? One person has told me that he believes that without the pain we could not appreciate the good in life. 

 Aaron also said we are like statues, the pain makes scars and it can also heal, but we decide whether we allow the pain to make us compassionate or bitter. I agree. He has some awesome opinions on sitauations and things in life. He has a lot of wisdom and I do not even know him that well. I have only spoke to him for an hour and I found this out. I want to learn more from him.

I believe we are all evil by nature. We are all selfish. Some of us do our best to fight those two weaknesses. Others do not even realize that they are there or they just do not care. I fight it. I lose often, but I know I must not give up. 

 We all can make a difference. We all have talents amd strengths. Each one of us has gone through pain. Some of this pain has seemed  unbarable. Those struggles connect us to others who have gone through the same or who are going through the same experience.

 

 

 

If he only knew the depth of it :( :) ?
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Need you now by Lady Antebellum

How do I move on? I can't even get a freakin' answer out of him! It's so frustrating. :/ I told him how I felt and how I used to feel...and all he says is, "Why didn't you tell me before?' (With a sad smiley face) Ugh Why will he not just be straight with me?! I rather him tell me the plain truth with no sugar coating then jump around the truth hoping he will not have to tell it! What is his problem with telling the truth? It's not that complicated! I feel like I am in a stupid movie! Why? Because I thought truth is pretty easy to get out, especially when somone asks for it! But in movies the prolong the drama, the pain and the irritation! To me it sounds like he is not even going to answer (does not give a monkey's butt) or he is waiting to because he thinks that somehow he could possibly get me to sleep with him, even though he has no feelings for me whatsoever. He did not say anything like he didn't have feelings for me,  but I am not stupid. Ah! Nope, not going to happen! :) hahaha Ugh How frustrating can m life get? Can it possibly get any more irritating when it comes to this? I sure hope not! I already want to cry a lot as it is. :(  I do not know what to do. I wish I did not have to spend half of my week in the town he now lives in. And I wish I did not live in the town he used to live in. I wish I could fly to Australia or India or even go to some other part of the U.S..... I would get over him faster probably. :(