Yes!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Davis Pierce
He asked me to go camping with his family next weekend! I am so excited! :) I want to go so bad! But there are some variables I should consider like; Rather than his aunt, am I the only girl? And what about the weather? What about tents? Where is it? What days? Does it cost? Why is he inviting me? Is there some other girl that he invited that he "likes" that is coming? And I am sure there are more questions I can ask! I would be totally okay, if his sister came, but not if some girl he likes comes...or maybe even if one of his friends' that is a girl comes... I just might get extremely jealous! LOL I seriously would! Hah That would be no fun being jealous! Okay, just for anybody's information I am not asking him, "if some girl he likes is coming," that would be stupid. That would be so stupid! I have wanted to hang out with for over a year! Now, finally! Hopefully my mom will let me go. I told my dad. He does not want me to go, but he did not say I could not. I am afraid my mom will say, "that is not a good idea, NO!" And say, " Just because you are 18 does not mean you can do things like that, you still live under my roof!" I would understand her concern, but seriously, I am not going to drink or get high or smoke or sleep with the boy! I am a good girl most of the time. hahaha Most of the time; not all of the time. I am afraid to go. I am afraid he will think I am boring, I am not, but I have no idea what he likes doing or that he will expect me to sleep with him. Or what if he is not camping with family, but a bunch of friends?! Ah...I do not want to do that! Ahhh... But those are all just possibilities... right? Right! Just because they are possible does not mean that they will happen. I need to stop freaking myself out! LOL ;) So maybe I will write more tomorrow! Probably. I am sorry blog I have abandoned you for so long. I am sad to tell the truth but, "there were more important things to do that were desperatley urgent!"

All I know
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Broken by Lifehouse & Cover my eyes by La Roux
Topic: ~Life~
I just want you here. I feel and believe that I need you. But you are gone. I cannot let go of  every thought and word that I had once believed. They are lost, yet they seem so near. I am waiting for something I cannot name. I tried to stay protected. I did not succeed. I ended up broken and damaged. I grieve for relief, but I have just found more pain. More situations and memories to analyze to gain a better idea of what happened. What I did not understand, what have I lost? Will you ever know the depth of how I feel? I have tried my best to tell you, yet you stay untouched; even more far away. My heart longs for the essence of your soul. Which was so beautiful, rare and profound. I know there is a part of you that wants me to stay. You may deny it, but it's there. I guess you want to hide it. There are parts of you that are unknown. I want to discover their meaning, the reason for them. I want to know you better than anyone else. I want to feel your sadness and know your doubts. I want to know what inspires you so much. You may believe that  your pain is hidden, but it's not. I see through it all. All the acts, all the charm, all this anger-I see the the overflowing pain. What made you this way? Who did this to you? Why are you still hurting? I am the one person who will always care, always listen  and always want to know why.  I keep trying to grab that which I cannot claim.

Pain
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Already gone by Kelly Clarkson
Topic: Pain

Pain. That word brings up so many memories. What comes to your mind? Mine goes to several different things. I usually think of my own pain or my family's.

I think about how must of my life I felt horrible. I wonder what caused me to be this way? What factors push someone to be depressed? How could I have been so consumed by all the negative aspects of life?

There is so much good in the world. Yes and there is also a lot of bad. But stating that fact is not going to change anything. Now, if I keep doing my best to be a good person and make a difference then maybe I can make a difference. I believe I can.

I want to be the refuge others seek for inspiration. There are so many things I want to do.  I sort of wish I could live a lot longer or have more lives than this one. I do not want to seek only self-satisfaction and self-gain. That would make my life pointless. 

 I want to be valued. I do want anymore rejection. I have not even had much rejection, but only a small taste. I know I hate it, I hate rejection.  Yes, I am sure I can learn from it and grow, but honestly does anybody want to go though it  just to learn? 

Rejection is a word that brings to my mind haunting feelings and memories. It is hard to take (rejection).  For me, I have not faced much rejection, so I am new to it in many ways. It is hard to deal with. I am swallowed up by the effect of it. I can change it, but right now I am trying docope withall of it.

To cry in front of people I do not know is something I do my best not to do. I will look up at the ceiling and do my best not to. I will force myself to hold it in. I am usually pretty good at clasping it and then hiding it. I am great at acting that I am okay when I am not. I am a very happy person, but thta does not mean I do not have my own sorrows.

 Tyler he is one of my good friends. He is so cool. Truly an original, individual. He may not seem like he is; nevertheless he is. If you got to know him I am sure you would agree. I admire him so much.  

My friend Tyler and many of my other friends have gone through some form of rejection. I hate seeing them in pain. I wish I had the power to stop it. Why do we all have to go through pain? One person has told me that he believes that without the pain we could not appreciate the good in life. 

 Aaron also said we are like statues, the pain makes scars and it can also heal, but we decide whether we allow the pain to make us compassionate or bitter. I agree. He has some awesome opinions on sitauations and things in life. He has a lot of wisdom and I do not even know him that well. I have only spoke to him for an hour and I found this out. I want to learn more from him.

I believe we are all evil by nature. We are all selfish. Some of us do our best to fight those two weaknesses. Others do not even realize that they are there or they just do not care. I fight it. I lose often, but I know I must not give up. 

 We all can make a difference. We all have talents amd strengths. Each one of us has gone through pain. Some of this pain has seemed  unbarable. Those struggles connect us to others who have gone through the same or who are going through the same experience.

 

 

 

If he only knew the depth of it :( :) ?
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Need you now by Lady Antebellum

How do I move on? I can't even get a freakin' answer out of him! It's so frustrating. :/ I told him how I felt and how I used to feel...and all he says is, "Why didn't you tell me before?' (With a sad smiley face) Ugh Why will he not just be straight with me?! I rather him tell me the plain truth with no sugar coating then jump around the truth hoping he will not have to tell it! What is his problem with telling the truth? It's not that complicated! I feel like I am in a stupid movie! Why? Because I thought truth is pretty easy to get out, especially when somone asks for it! But in movies the prolong the drama, the pain and the irritation! To me it sounds like he is not even going to answer (does not give a monkey's butt) or he is waiting to because he thinks that somehow he could possibly get me to sleep with him, even though he has no feelings for me whatsoever. He did not say anything like he didn't have feelings for me,  but I am not stupid. Ah! Nope, not going to happen! :) hahaha Ugh How frustrating can m life get? Can it possibly get any more irritating when it comes to this? I sure hope not! I already want to cry a lot as it is. :(  I do not know what to do. I wish I did not have to spend half of my week in the town he now lives in. And I wish I did not live in the town he used to live in. I wish I could fly to Australia or India or even go to some other part of the U.S..... I would get over him faster probably. :(

We are taught what is considered "normal." Whether we believe it or not this concept of what is "normal" influences us. It may persuade us to chase after this " normal" or pursue the concept of what people consider "weird." The media does have an influence on us to some extent.

This effect may be good or bad. One person may take it as a challenge to become physically fit and gain a better hold onto nutritionally rich foods. Someone else may take it badly and obsess over looks by buying into all the new trends in makeup, hair, clothes, plastic surgery and other areas. I believe media and society has an impact on our self-esteem. I also believe that we all at some time in the past, future or present obsess over some aspect of what we call imperfection.

Self-esteem is all up to us. We can have a high or low or moderate self-esteem. It just depends on how much we value our state of  self-esteem and if we are willing to work consistently, hard on improving it. Many of us accept our culture's idea of beauty. Even though many of us have diverse opinions of what is beautiful to us.

So why do we have such low self-esteem, if we all have different theories on what is beauty? We are constantly being slowly brainwashed into thinking we all have to be the perfect ideal. Men believe they have to have six packs and be tall, while women feel they have to be pretty, and stick-thin or have a curvy hourglass body. If we started welcoming and encouraging diversity then I believe we would see a major improvement of self-esteem and a fall in dangerous activities.

What should we do? I say we should contact media complaining and demanding that they show a variety of body-types, faces, nationalities, skin tones, instead of limiting it and showing preferences for a certain type of "beauty." If we want to see change we have to take action. I would also say make local communities aware of what they can do to help. Start a support group. There are numerous other actions we can take to change the outcomes gradually.

  "Acceptance instead of critique."  Let us start voicing out loud others' strengths and focus on those. Often people zero in on their faults or other people's faults. People need  to realize their worth. So why not help them? Why not birth a new habit?


I watched an awesome short movie called, " The butterfly effect." It was amazing. It showed how one man overcame some pretty serious defect general beliefs. It showed how he struggled to secure a positive image of himself after years of being told he was excessively flawed. I was inspired how he learned to change his thoughts on the world and himself that were so ingrained into him.

In 1992 AMERICAN GIRL published the first issue of their magazine. One purpose of the magazine was to  reassure girls of self-esteem. The books written by a variety of authors, tell tales of girls from contrasting backgrounds and eras. I grew up on these books. My older sister did also. I like the books and have always wanted to get a few of the dolls they make. I believe their idea of increasing girls' self -esteem is an honorable goal.

 I cannot imagine some people's struggles to gain a positive view of themselves. I also cannot understand how some people conquer tremendously difficult  battles of personal life. I can appluad their successes and their tries. I can also help these people in some form whether I do this by comforting, listening encouraging or some other way.

 

I hope to gain comprehension of  a diversity of issues and how I can assist them in achieving their goals. I could do this by donating to charities or volunteering. I wonder how else I can aid these people? I want an immense impact on others' lives; not a small dent.