Family problems
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Listen by Beyonce
The song I posted as the song I'm now listening to is pretty much how I feel. :( I'm not at home in my own home and I've tried and tried to say what's on my mind. It feels like it's no good...it doesn't make a difference what I say; you only hear what you want to hear. I'm talking about my mom.  I feel like no matter what I say she doesn't understand. It seems like she's always judging me. I feel like I can never meet her standards, that I can never make her happy. I try and try, but all she sees is what I don't do or what I don't say. :( I hate being in this kind of place. I hate going home and having to ralk to her. It's always the same...she upset because I'm not spending enough time with my little sister, or I forgot to do something or she says that I don't appreciate her. Maybe, if she knew how I felt then she wouldn't keep treating me like some second trash she can just throw outside. Maybe, she would think twice about how she treats me. I'm tired of always trying to please her. I'm tired of always not measuring up.

Stress, college and ...
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Who I Am by Nick Jonas (Which explains exactly how I feel...pretty much.)

Why am I having some major issues? One moment I as happy as can be and the next I am feeling lower than insects. :( I feel worse each time I feel bad. I feel crying, but I can't cry or I can't get all the emotions out. I keep feeling stressed out. I went to a second hand store to get some bargains or a bargain on a pair of jeans. I tried countless pairs on. Most didn't fit and I am not fat or even chubby...Yet it made me feel like a size 20. I'm like a size 7 to 9.

I found one pair I decided to get. They are so cute! :) I also got my refund check back today, so that made me feel incredibly better and happier. But I still feel like crap. It seems like the days I do best is when I am near a friend or a by I used to like talks to me. Then I start liking them again! Ugh What's wrong with me? Why Can't I just leave the stupid memories in the past? I keep comparing them with today's experiences and keep wishing I could go back. I want to relive my past. I can't though. It sucks. 

I don't know wht, but college is seriously a big issue for me. I keep having to catch up on something or redo something or do more homework or studying... It never ends! It's exhausting. It seems like it's sucking all the time, energy, life and happiness out of me. :( 

I want summer! I want it so bad! I feel like I need it. Like a mentally sick person needs medication. :( Summer is the pill to my sickness. Or the answer to my problems..LOL 

These journal entries/diaries are like therapy. :) They make me feel so much better. It's almost like an addiction...but not. It's good for me! :)

Boys are so frustrating right now. Usually their actions are easy to understand. Not lately.  Or maybe the stress is frying some of those brains cells that convert "boy sense" to "girl sense." LoL That's probably it.

Need to do homework. Don't want to do homework. Ging to do it anyway. I have  to go do homework before it gets too late. (My conscious is applauding my wise decision loudly!) :)

Toodles!

 

 

My friend
Mood:  lucky
Now Playing: Fifteen by Taylor Swift
My guy friend Tyler is awesome! He always makes my day so much more fun and bright when I see him or talk to gim over facebook! :)

Why?
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: I promise Stacie Orrico
Topic: The man I love

After so much time and thought I know it's true. I love him. I have never loved a guy. The only time I have loved guys is in the friendship way. Not him. He's different. So different.

One of the countless reasons why I love him. And even though, I like him an extreme amount and love him; I am not heartbroken over him. He never did anything cruel or said anything cruel.

He has a girlfriend and lives with her...so he's serious about her, but I don't think he's so serious that he wants to marry her. I asked if he wanted to, but from the way he answered I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to. That could change.

I hope he's happy with her and if he's  not I hope he doesn't feel obligated to stay. I hope if doesn't want to be with her he will have the guts to tell her. I hope he doesn't give her the stupid response, " I just don't think we have that spark anymore."  Or any of the other stupid responses males and females give to each other. 

 I wonder if are paths will cross once again? I hope so with every will of my soul. 

I can't even recall his face anymore. He is beginning to feel like a a distant dream or somebody's else's memory I somehow get to peek into. It's changing me. Ican't decide if that's good or bad. I don't know if I like it.

To me he seems like everything I want. All the main qualities I am looking for.  But he's gone. He still lives in the same town. I believe; but neither him or I go to the school in Sheridan. 

It seems like to me this can't be the end of our story. Can it be? Would I know? It seems like I should? 

Most my memories of him are good, none are bad. Some are better than others. I keep putting the them on repeat in my mind. I can't get him out of my head.

I wish I could rewind time and ask all the questions I didn't get to ask and say most of things I wanted to say.  I wouldn't say all them,even though I wanted to. I was taught and still strongly believe that the man chases after the girl/woman. It's how it should be. The people of Jane Austin days had it right!

These entries are like diary entires...no they are diary entires! LOL All the words I don't tell most people...sometimes not even a select few. 

 God has plans for me... I know, but sometimes it seems like he could use some help! I know he doesn't. And if I did help him I am sure I would screw it up! LOL But  seriously, I am tired of waiting to know WHY!!! WHEN will I know?

If I were to rewrite "our story" I would take him and I and put us together permanently. Whether we just stayed friends or became something more.  I can live with either, but I can't stand having him NOT in my life! 'm pretty sure I could live with being friends...I mean at first I thought he was cute, but I didn't like him. The  "like" and then " love" came later after I gotto know him. He would tell me about his dreams and I would tell him mine. We would console each other when we were well or upset...etc. I just want him in my life. =/ =( 

Is love always so confusing and complicated at a time?

 

Signing off as 

I know I love him and it makes me sad and happy at the same time.

 

 

 

  

My role model isn't a family member or a friend I have known for a long time. Nor a female. He is six foot three and twenty-two years of age, guy . I adore him. He's pretty much amazing!

At first I wasn't sure what to think about him. I met him at my high school. He wasn't a student, but I was.  Student aid teacher was his title at my school.  He was at one time my student aid teacher, but he had to leave for another job. 

After a while I got to know him better. I realized that he was an awesome guy. I also learned that we had a lot in common. When I learned that we had a lot in common it just fueled my interest even more in our friendship.

Dave, the guy I am talking about inspires me to embrace the change I want to see in myself. He is quite a young, man. "Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I wish I could be."That quote from the song "The wind Beneath my wings," explains exactly how I think of him.  I am constantly in awe of him.

 Now I will decipher the reasons why he's my role model. He is my role model because he has this calm, strength that overflows from him. He is genuinely good person, now that's rare. He is intelligent. Many guys I know don't really care about doing well or academics. In part of his school years he was a nerd and later in life he made it into OSU. 

He take on tasks and completes them successfully. He gives great advice. One time I was having a hard time on one of my tests that I was taking.  I had to break for lunch and I went over to the other classroom was. That classroom he and a few of my other friends were in. He asked how I was doing on the tests, I said, " Great on two of them and the other is hard because it's confusing." He said, " Just take it slow and don't overthink the questions. They are usually a lot more simple than they seem." I really appreciated his interest and advice in the matter of my test. His advice helped a lot. I am very thankful to him.

 I love talking to him. He is really fun to talk to. He has been through some interesting experineces. I love hearing his stories. I could listen to him talk for hours. 

 He's not self-absorbed. That's a big quality I admire about him.  Many people I know are. If I ask them or someone asks them a question about themselves they'll answer it. You could talk to them countless times, but they will only talk about themselves. They won't ask you any questions.  It gets annoying very fast when people are like that.

He does not lack in maturity. Guys around my age usually do. They joke about disgusting things all the time. Or joke about things they shouldn't. Sometimes they will joke about a girl in a sexual way, making the girl feel uncomfortable. I hate it when guys do that. It's not funny, period. 

I wish I was more like him. He is caring, fun, interesting, nice and has many more other great qualities. He is pursuing his passion in Brewing Beer and in teaching. His dream is to someday have a Brewing school where he teaches how to Brew. I don't think he knows how highly I think of him. I wonder what he would say if I told him all of this?