Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Never say never by the Fray
Topic: Sad before and now okay

I have never known so much beauty in one person, but there is also so much pain. I try to imagine, nevertheless I can't. You gave me a hope that love does exist. It's not just some fairytale that's unattainable to hold.

I miss you so much. I wish you could see my heart, my thoughts, these words and all these feelings that go crazy when I am near you. Every romantic movie or sad song that is about love reminds me of you.

 How can I let you go? What if I never feel this way again about anyone? You are the only one I truly want. Can you not see? Or do you just not feel it too? I love so many things about you. Even the bad things I adore. Sometimes they overwhelm my patience, but I still admire you so. 

 I want to marry you. Have your first born and all the rest. I want to give you son. I want the child to be ours. I want to dedicate my life to being and serving you.  

I know you have been hurt and you need to heal. I understand that there are walls you put up to guard yourself from being hurt once again. 

You have me all tangled up in a dream so beautiful...so beautiful I am afraid I will never fully know or get to hold. 

 

 Man I have so much to write/blog about on this topic! hahhaha

I feel this way about  this boy who's girlfriend recently (by two weeks or so) got  pregnant. I felt and thought that he was the a lot like the future "one."  I liked him and still do more than any boy I have ever known. It kills me inside to know that may be if I did things a little bit differently or sad things I didn't say earlier...we could have been together or at least still friends. I wish I could be having his child. His first born, but no she gets the privilege to have his child.  =/

 

 

Journal 28 for my college class
                              Journal 28

1.)  I had fear that I would not pass one of my classes. I am a hard working and a good student, but I have a horrible habit of putting off important tasks. Why? I am all about fun and I have trouble believing in myself. I know that I can, but getting past all the doubt is extremely hard. I kept procrastinating on studying for tests. Thus, I did not do very well, because I waited and because I did not understand how to answer all the questions correctly. It was my fault completely. I have to work really hard now on my final because of my habit. I would have worked hard anyways, but I am going to work way harder this time.

2.) Join a couple support groups. One that helps with learning new ways to study and another for self-confidence. I want to start believing in my abilities again. I want to truly believe that I am completely capable. Talk to a counselor or a trusted adult. I need to be comfortable talking to someone about what is going on in my life. I do not feel comfortable talking to very many people.
Examples: Support groups, counselor and a trusted adult.
Experiences: I used to be very confident in my academic capabilities, but I have become really depressed and have neglected some of responsibilities to one of my classes. I want to become fully recovered from my present deep potholes in this road I call my life.
Explanation: Lack or loss of confidence/belief in one’s capabilities can result in a deeper fall into past habits. Wasting time is what I often do. I think it makes me feel better, but in the long end it just makes everything worse than it was before.
Evidence: Wasting time a.k.a. procrastinating is a bad idea, almost always. Your grades can fall letters, or a situation can become worse et cetera! Do not procrastinate or at least fully ponder the consequences if you do.

All the way gone
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Halfway gone- Lifehouse & Already gone - Kelly Clarkson

I am finally done
No longer yours in mind or in heart
My feelings are gone permanently
No it is not a phase
I choose happy over you
You gave me sadness that could overwhelm even the most resilient of the human species
Do not say words that you do not understand
Those words are just compromises that don’t mean anything to me or you
I cannot even tell you if I still want to be friends
happy I am without you in my life
Right now I do not want to see you  or even hear your voice
You led me to think that you were sincere
I guess you’re good at pretending
You must have thought I was an easy person to deceive

You took to long to say what you truly meant

You took to long to say what you felt

I used to like you and now I am wondering, “what did I ever like?”
Annoying, obnoxious, full of yourself, was there anything good in you?

This weekend was awesome! Life is looking up! I went Paintballing at Camp Dakota in Scotts Mills. :) I had so much fun. I got two welts. Eauuww I amm kind of proud of them. Luke kept on going on and on about how I got him three times in a row and another guy on the other team said I did an awesome job.  :) I am so happy and excited! I cannot wait until summer, but I have to! LOL ;) hahaha

What you need to see/believe

Sometimes life sucks...but you got to move on. A boy isn't worth your time, if he doesn't think your worth his or hasn't realized yet that you are, and/or he keeps hurting you. There will be men, not boys who will fall for you, and that will put the memory of him to shame (because their so amazing!) So stop wanting the boy who is only poison to your health, and happiness. You are beautiful, precious, and wanted-though you may not know or feel like it. Remember that life goes on, and you should go on with it, instead of wishing you could go back and change the past. There are good reasons that certain people we like or don't like don't make it in our future lives,
(they're not suppose to be there.)Even though it may seem like they should be. Leave the memories(especially the painful ones) where they should be-in the PAST. Stop listening to "your/his" song...stop crying. And hating every girl he goes out with. Deal, not dwell. Start enjoying your life, go out into the world, and live to the potential you knew you could. God wants you to be happy, and he wants you to be part of his family. Some people are like soda to the bones(instead of sucking the calcium out, they're sucking out the life, and happiness out of you, and whoever else they can.)

I love you, and I want you to know I want to be there for you- in the good times, and the bad.

Love,
sincerely your friend.

 

P.S. 

What do you want truly? Freedom or control?  

You are defining the reason I live
I am going to be a beacon of light, a beacon of hope, a beacon of life