Fye Class (what I learned in it about myself)
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: Desires :)

As much as I strive to stand out ; I also crave acceptance as much or more than everyone else. 

I wnat to seen as a unique person. I do not like to blend in. I long for value. To feel valued by others and to truly show others their value no matter who they are, or how they feel. These desires are conflict.

 

Every time I fail I become more driven to do better, to achieve success no matter if the success is what I pictured or not. Sometimes I lose this determination and other times I keep it.  If I fail at something I really want to accomplish then I usaually end up feeling depressed. I have discovered that I want to help others learn that they are capable. They can do what they wish they could. 

 

I long to accomplish goals and meet standards. It does not matter if these goals or standards are mine or not. I desire to pass, not only pass, but excel with beautiful colors. I want to do well in life and in college.  I want to be the best I can be; the best person I am capable of.

 

I crave to be a better person. I strive for it even though it's a very tough. I do not want to be a stale, dull person that clings desperately to past beliefs or past habits. I have seen so many people just stay in their own pathetic habitual mistakes. At times they do not even realize what they are doing is a mistake or may be they just do not care. 

 

I want to challenge myself daily to  do better and to become a better person. I want to feel good and more importantly be good.  I want to help others. I feel at my best mostly when I am helping somone else. I used to help out at a Homeless shelter and then several years later I helped out at a food shelter (that was last year.)

 

I want to make a difference in others to know that there is a God and that he is a living God and not only that, but also that he is a loving God. Many people beieve in God or a "higher power."

The people who do not believe in God seem like they are bitter towards anyone who is and/ or this God they supposedly do not believe in. God does not make bad things happen to people. God allows it or the people themselves allow it. 

 

 (Written on May 9, 2010!)

:) 

 

 

One of my main goals this summer is to have a Davis Pierce free summer! And to get over him. That means no wanting or needing to impress him, getting his attention or letting him control my happiness! I will have complete control over my anything relating to him. Which means no searching for his face in crowds of people, needing or wanting to look at him a second time if I see him...etc..etc..etc! ;) hahhahaha 

One of my other goals is to have the best summer I have ever had! :) Which means it has to be filled with really fun activities.  So yes...it is going to happen! ;)

Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Never say never by the Fray
Topic: Sad before and now okay

I have never known so much beauty in one person, but there is also so much pain. I try to imagine, nevertheless I can't. You gave me a hope that love does exist. It's not just some fairytale that's unattainable to hold.

I miss you so much. I wish you could see my heart, my thoughts, these words and all these feelings that go crazy when I am near you. Every romantic movie or sad song that is about love reminds me of you.

 How can I let you go? What if I never feel this way again about anyone? You are the only one I truly want. Can you not see? Or do you just not feel it too? I love so many things about you. Even the bad things I adore. Sometimes they overwhelm my patience, but I still admire you so. 

 I want to marry you. Have your first born and all the rest. I want to give you son. I want the child to be ours. I want to dedicate my life to being and serving you.  

I know you have been hurt and you need to heal. I understand that there are walls you put up to guard yourself from being hurt once again. 

You have me all tangled up in a dream so beautiful...so beautiful I am afraid I will never fully know or get to hold. 

 

 Man I have so much to write/blog about on this topic! hahhaha

I feel this way about  this boy who's girlfriend recently (by two weeks or so) got  pregnant. I felt and thought that he was the a lot like the future "one."  I liked him and still do more than any boy I have ever known. It kills me inside to know that may be if I did things a little bit differently or sad things I didn't say earlier...we could have been together or at least still friends. I wish I could be having his child. His first born, but no she gets the privilege to have his child.  =/

 

 

Journal 28 for my college class
                              Journal 28

1.)  I had fear that I would not pass one of my classes. I am a hard working and a good student, but I have a horrible habit of putting off important tasks. Why? I am all about fun and I have trouble believing in myself. I know that I can, but getting past all the doubt is extremely hard. I kept procrastinating on studying for tests. Thus, I did not do very well, because I waited and because I did not understand how to answer all the questions correctly. It was my fault completely. I have to work really hard now on my final because of my habit. I would have worked hard anyways, but I am going to work way harder this time.

2.) Join a couple support groups. One that helps with learning new ways to study and another for self-confidence. I want to start believing in my abilities again. I want to truly believe that I am completely capable. Talk to a counselor or a trusted adult. I need to be comfortable talking to someone about what is going on in my life. I do not feel comfortable talking to very many people.
Examples: Support groups, counselor and a trusted adult.
Experiences: I used to be very confident in my academic capabilities, but I have become really depressed and have neglected some of responsibilities to one of my classes. I want to become fully recovered from my present deep potholes in this road I call my life.
Explanation: Lack or loss of confidence/belief in one’s capabilities can result in a deeper fall into past habits. Wasting time is what I often do. I think it makes me feel better, but in the long end it just makes everything worse than it was before.
Evidence: Wasting time a.k.a. procrastinating is a bad idea, almost always. Your grades can fall letters, or a situation can become worse et cetera! Do not procrastinate or at least fully ponder the consequences if you do.

All the way gone
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Halfway gone- Lifehouse & Already gone - Kelly Clarkson

I am finally done
No longer yours in mind or in heart
My feelings are gone permanently
No it is not a phase
I choose happy over you
You gave me sadness that could overwhelm even the most resilient of the human species
Do not say words that you do not understand
Those words are just compromises that don’t mean anything to me or you
I cannot even tell you if I still want to be friends
happy I am without you in my life
Right now I do not want to see you  or even hear your voice
You led me to think that you were sincere
I guess you’re good at pretending
You must have thought I was an easy person to deceive

You took to long to say what you truly meant

You took to long to say what you felt

I used to like you and now I am wondering, “what did I ever like?”
Annoying, obnoxious, full of yourself, was there anything good in you?